By Joey Martino
I was in a very bad state mentally. I ended up telling her what was making me feel like that, and she thanked me for it. As it made her feel uncomfortable too.
This is towards the start of February 2018 now. My friend asked me if I like her, to which I replied with, I don’t know. I feel as if I can’t because you used to date, and if I did it would be a betrayal of our friendship. He was surprisingly good about it and didn’t seem to mind. In fact he told me to go for it,
We’re in February now and I had decided that I was going to tell her that I liked her. I have never been in a relationship with someone at this point. Never even held another girl’s hand, let alone kissed one. Saying I was shitting it would be an understatement. I thought to myself how could she ever see me like that, how could she ever want to date an ugly 6’7″ fat (in my opinion) autistic, depressed, long-haired person with extreme social anxieties.
She is around 5’6″. Compared to me she’s a genius, slim, and is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, every time I talk to her. All of my troubles just seemed to disappear, and I can just be myself, and happy for a change.
I put quite a lot of thought into how I was going to tell her. I was going to do it the day before valentines. Outside of the pub we usually go to, I wasn’t drinking that night as I wanted her to take it seriously.
I had quite a few opportunities to tell her that night. I ended up getting too nervous and I couldn’t do it. I really did want to do it in person. But I ended up telling her how I felt online, I don’t think she knew how to take it. She said that it was a lot to take in and that she’d need a while to think about it.
It took four really long and nerve wrecking days. But we agreed to meet up by ourselves and talk about it. Something we had never done at that point. That day I was really anxious, having stomach pains. Couldn’t stop shaking, I wasn’t sure if I should go. I knew that I couldn’t do that to her and went, it was quite muddy that day. We met at the train station in the town we usually hang out in. I couldn’t start a conversation for shit, thankfully she did most of the talking that day. It was the first time I had ever spent time with another girl by myself (I was 21)
We walked up a hill and sat at the top of it on a bench. It was really muddy that day, she decided that because of how her last relationship ended. She didn’t want to rush into anything and she wanted to see how it would go before we decided on starting a relationship. We spent time together every other day. And slowly I became more comfortable with talking to her in person. Within a week I was able to start conversations and carry them on.
I was still really nervous though, and wasn’t sure on what was acceptable. To the point where I asked her if it was OK if I held her hand.
On the third of March it was snowing. We met up, and at this point I really wanted to know if she could see up being in a relationship. So, I asked her. And she said yes. I will never forget that day. As a first date kind of thing, we decided to watch Black Panther. I didn’t really like it, but i did get salsa on my bottom due to the person previously sitting in my seat.
We still wanted to take it slowly, and we did. It took a few weeks for me to be comfortable with kissing her. The first time I kissed her was up on the hill. The one we usually go to to talk about things. That’s also something I will never forget, my first kiss.
It’s nearly been a year now, and without you I’d still be the introvert kiss – less virgin that I was. And I’ve loved every single moment of it.
We’ve been sleeping together in this bed every night for about 6 months now. And while you’re in hospital it really does feel empty and lonely without you.
So Kate, if you ever come across this post. I love you, and I can’t wait to spend many more years with you.
